Magic Reviews: Deuteronomy

Deuteronomnomnomy

Deuteronomy is the fifth book in a series packaged together in the Bible.

Yeah.  That Deuteronomy.

The old testament yall.

I review it.  I review anything.

I also take requests for reviews.

I also take money for good/bad reviews.

But fear not dear readers, nobody cares about my reviews so they are still unbribed and unbiased.  Well, other than my clear preference for weird crap.

Anyways, Deuteronomy is the fifth book of the Torah, the Old Testament.  The main character is Moses, working together with God to try and get the Jews to stop being clowns and start doing right by God.  It's actually a summary of the previous books of history and law (Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers), so it is the best of the books in terms of its writing, conciseness, and explanation.



The Story:

The story is a little boring.  The Jews have escaped Egypt and they're done wandering the desert.  They aren't conquering anymore (for now), and God in the form of a pillar of flame has left to go chill with some bros.

The plot is simply a recounting of the laws and events.  It's the major laws too, not all the little hilarious ones.  So while the actual reading of the book goes better than other books in this series (Bob begat Joe, and Joe begat Harry, and Harry begat Richard, and etc etc...) the narrative is somewhat stagnant.

The Characters:

Some of the most famous characters in the Bible are in this sucker and they are doing what they do best.

Moses is the main.  He is so mad at the Jews for not following God that he threatens, cajoles, reminds, pokes, and facepalms through the whole book (it's in an obscure footnote).

God is there, but not there there.  In other books he's a giant pillar of fire cruising around like a big blazing biblical GP unit. In Deuteronomy he's there in spirit coaching Moses and backing up all the threats and blessings.

The Jews.  Easily one of the best characters in the entire Bible.  They are hilarious.  They never do what they are supposed to, they always screw up the most basic of commands, and they never stop bitching.  Hey don't blame me, I didn't write the thing.

The Business

The laws of God are in there all right.  As a historical document it's actually a really cool piece.  It's interesting to look and see what laws were important to the culture at the time, and how those laws are somewhat interpreted in today's society.  For example:

"A woman shall not wear an article proper to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman's dress; for anyone who does such things is an abomination to the Lord your God." (22, 5)

A rock badger - do not eat.

Some of them are also just plain humorous.  No eating those rock badgers! Burn those prophets or dreamers!   Don't shave your head above your forehead in reverence for the dead! No eating falcons! (exclamation points added).

Judaism vs Christianity vs Islam vs Hinduism vs Atheism

Yeah right people...neither the time nor the place...

Final Thoughts

If you want to read you some Bible to get your bearings there are many books, segments, places to read.  In my experience (which is considerable) Deuteronomy is the best summary of the old Old Testament history and laws that provide context for much of the other content.

Deuteronomy may be a little dry, but it's great at what it does - sorts through the bullshit from Leviticus and Numbers (Numbers is called numbers because it's basically a census...and it's as exciting as reading the results of the census...).

Final grade: Deu it.



Post Script

You just got trolled.  You saw a review of a book of the Bible on a comedy website and thought it would be funny, but it turned out to be an actual review of an actual book of the Bible.  That whole thing there, the thoughts you had when you read the title all the way to you scrolling to the bottom to see how I would make fun of Deuteronomy - that's the joke.

Brilliant?  No...

Smart?  No...

Stupid?  Maybe...