Catching Up with Conch Dongles

I said it because it was fun to say, but the reality is, the further one delves into the odd world of the conch shell, and its pee-pee, the stranger things get. First off, the npr story that started it all included some pictures of a Conch fondling another Conch with its wee-wee.

I started looking for other information, to see what the hell is actually going on in this picture. Now, I'm a virgin, and I've never seen a naked lady, but from what I remember in sex education class way back in 4th grade, if you see a pink foldy-lookin thing like that, you're lookin at lady parts. Seems to me there are two sets of pink foldy things in that picture. Which lead to another terrible and wonderous discovery: Conchs are hermaphrodites! Who only have sex in the spring and summer! What a terrible species to be a part of!

But here is the worst bit of information. Apparently predators are not the only ones who eat the ConchDongle. Apparently members of other lecherous races much verge as well. That's right, I'm talking about the human race. For instance, here is a woman named Bridget Marquardt, who apparently was on a Playboy reality show (which is stupid, because Hugh Hefner's life is about as unreal as you can get) called The Girls Next Door. Later, she was on a Travel Channel show called Bridget's Sexiest Beaches, and I tell you all this, because if you make the mistake of google image searching for the term "Conch Penis" you're gonna wind-up seeing stuff like this:

Now if you look closely, you can see that while Bridget is feeding and being fed Conch Dongle, she is also doing shots. I'll let you draw you own conclusions about doing shots while there are creepy dudes with trays of Conch Dongle lying around. Suffice it to say, the subtitle of this episode was probably "Roofies Ahoy!"

Incidentally, this has messed with my head because I'm working my way through Big Love season 4, currently, and a pair of characters that are featured prominently are the Marquardt sisters, who are Mormon, and never, ever eat Conch.