Recent news of an additional hereto unknown astrological sign has sent American media into a frenzied identity crisis. The plague on social media websites of people posting their new, old, or preferred has reached an all time high since the news broke Wednesday, January 12th.
"Acceptable levels of horoscope posting on Facebook rocketed upwards starting on Wednesday," said fake source Alex Muscleytoes, "I guess people are trying to figure out how to integrate this new aspect of this made up system into their daily lives."
For millenia people have looked to the stars to guide them in their daily decisions in life. Most people understand that it is not a coherent pattern that predicts personality traits, but it is a fun and harmless way to look for patterns within large systems of complex data. The results can be entertaining and sometimes hauntingly close to one's own experience.
For example, one sign from a popular horoscope website for today reads:
People that do not know you may not recognize your strengths, especially since your sensitivity is what usually shows first. You may appreciate a job that allows you to help uplift the human spirit and gives you freedom to grow at your own pace. Some wonderful vocations in which you could grow best would be the arts, astronomy and astrology, social work, design, radio and television, law and among other things, literary work. If you are not working in any of these professions, you might consider a hobby or volunteer work in these areas. When you have freedom to express yourself, you can become beneficial to yourself as well as humanity. Trapping yourself in a structured environment may be tolerable if your free time is used creatively.Sound advice for anyone. Was this you? Probably not, but it's good advice nonetheless - one of the many reasons astrology, while utter nonsense from a predictive standpoint, still maintains a foothold in entertainment all over this country.
Let's get some more advice shall we?
You may wonder if you're losing your memory today. You might have the strange feeling that there was something you had to do but can't quite remember what. Don't worry about it. If you push yourself too hard, you will drive yourself crazy. Your imagination could come up with ideas for stories and poems. Write them down. You will want to remember them.Well, I'm glad I'm probably not in that sign!
One more, for funtimes sake:
The way you arrange the muscles in your face will determine your mood. What starts out as a mask turns into the real thing.Bow howdy. Put your guesses for which sign goes with which horoscope in the comments. In the meantime, have fun with your friends by explaining that their birthday now falls between two signs and that means they have a new sign that's a mutated offspring of the two. For example I'd lie and say my birthday now falls between pices and aquarius, so my new sign is pi-quarius, the woman with two vaginas.
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